GreenAndy.com - Ask Green Andy

Got a problem you can't solve? A question you can't answer? Of course you do. You're a wreck. Email me at askgreenandy@greenandy.com or join my buddy list on MySpace, where you can see your embarrassing personal question posted publicly for all to see and ridicule! Do it today!

Dear Green Andy,

What does "never look a gift horse in the mouth" mean?

Love,
Monica

Dear Monica,

Personally, I always felt this was a clause that allowed sneaky people to install spy cameras into horse's mouths and then give them to co-workers for the purpose of industrial espionage, but in fact all it means is that if someone gives you a gift, your first reaction shouldn't be to assess its value. Since a horse's teeth project outward as it gets older, and since the older a horse gets the less it's worth, looking a gift horse in the mouth is tantamount to appraising its resale price.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Is it possible for me to sell my slot in my high school's year book as advertisement space?

-Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

There are two sides to this question. The first one is: “Can I find someone to pay me for that location in my high school yearbook?” To that, I'd say the answer is probably yes. Advertisers are always looking for new inroads to the youth market, and an ad smack in the middle of a high school yearbook is about as youth-oriented as you can get. Unless you have specific experience in attracting advertisers, you'd likely have to find an agency or broker of some sort, and offer them a percentage in exchange for helping you find a taker. Check the Yellow Pages for that.

The second side is: “Will my high school allow me to use my picture slot for advertising space?” My guess is that they wouldn't, if you asked them. If you think that your high school is progressive enough to be okay with an idea like that, then by all means ask away. However, if they say no, then they might be on the lookout for you to try and sneak something in. I recommend being sneaky from the get-go, and getting H&M or Forever 21 or someone to pay for selecting your outfit for the photo. Alternately, you can see if Panasonic or someone is willing to pay for you to wear a shirt with their logo on it, but again, these are considerations for your partner at the agency to work out.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Dear Green Andy,

Do you believe there is a secret cure for AIDS/HIV that only those within the top 2 percent of the world have access to?

-Keith

Dear Keith,

No, I'm pretty sure there's no secret AIDS cure for the elite, so if that's your backup plan for your regular weekends of jabbing yourself in the arm with whatever stray needles you find on the sidewalk, you need to come up with a new plan.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Dear Ask Green Andy,

How can I "wow" the ladies?

Signed,
Adam

Dear Adam,

You can't. Women are smart, they're intuitive and they've seen it all before. Concentrate on being kind, non-condescending, intelligent and interesting, and you'll stand out from the pack of jokers all trying to charm and shock the ladies into dating them. You might even end up wowing them.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Dear Green Andy,

How can I get my boyfriend to get rid of his facial hair?

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

If you've already tried the positive reinforcement angle and told him "Ooh, you look soooo sexy when you're clean-shaven" and that didn't work, then your only real option is negative reinforcement. Just refuse to kiss him until he shaves. And not in an obvious "Sorry pal, no sugar until you hit the Bic!" kind of way. Just pretend that you really regret having to shy away from every kiss, but you simply find the action too revolting while there's still hair on his face. I give it a week before he shaves it.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Which is more humane: Capital Punishment or the Life Sentence?

Signed,
Katherine

Dear Katherine,

In general, the life sentence is more humane, since most people are pretty adamant about living, no matter what the circumstances. However, this really needs to be judged on a case-by-case basis. Quite a few people would much rather be executed than spend several decades in prison. You really need to decide what's preferable for you, then go out and commit a crime in the state that offers your favorite punishment.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Dear Green Andy,

Does your beard smell like cheese too?

Signed,
Kevin

Dear Kevin,

This would have been a simple yes/no question if not for that "too" at the end of your sentence. I think what you're really asking is "How can I get this horrible cheese smell out of my beard that's threatening to cost me my job, my fiancée and my social life?" If rigorous shampooing hasn't done the trick, then it's time to get out the razor and go hairless on your chin for a while.

In the future, I recommend being a bit neater when eating cheese. Diving face first into a big cheese bowl may seem idyllic, but apparently that odor really stays with you.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Dear Green Andy,

Do gay people think of themselves when they masturbate?

Signed,
John

Dear John,

I doubt it. Just because a man is attracted to men doesn't mean he's attracted to ALL men, and it's pretty unlikely that he's his own type. While I'm sure some men or women do have that particular kink, most people know themselves too well to be aroused by themselves as a masturbatory fantasy.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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I wanted to know if you think my mom's birthday (March 24th) is a cursed day? It seems every year on her birthday sometings breaks in our house (ex. flooded basement) or an animal we have dies (ex. 1 cat and 1 dog). This year it so happens our fridge just died! So now instead of celebrating her birthday again, we'll be shopping for a new fridge. If the day isn't cursed, could my mom have been a troubled person in a past life and it's karma? LOL.

Signed,
VidexGal

Dear VidexGal,

No, I strongly doubt that your dead pets and failed appliances are in any way due to your mom's birthday. Coincidences are powerful and easily-misinterpreted things, and for some reason people find them more difficult to believe in than karma. Just be sure to pick up a new fridge before the ice cream melts, and play it safe and throw out the lunch meat entirely. And don't let your mom know about your theory, because it'll just hurt her feelings.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Why are all of our customers at the video store sooo lame?

Signed,
Mamacita

Dear Mamacita,

There are two possibilities:

1. Everyone seems kind of lame when they're renting movies. All you know about these people is that they're in your store on a Friday night and they're renting a romantic comedy starring Will Smith, so yeah, you look down on them. But maybe they've spent all week promoting for the city's hottest nightclub and getting backrubs by celebrities, and this is their only night to kick back and relax with a film that Will Smith told them about personally. Or maybe the last film they rented was by Ingmar Bergman, and their next film will be a Coppola film? You just don't have enough info on them to judge fairly.

2. Maybe you're just totally awesome, and EVERYONE is sooooo lame compared to you.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Why is it that the person who really does you wrong is the hardest to get over?

Signed,
Lisa

Dear Lisa,

It could be a coincidence in this case: this could just be a guy with whom you're particularly in love, and it's just bad luck that he's also a stupid jerk who really did you wrong. If this sort of conundrum happens to you often, though, then unfortunately you might just have a thing for assholes. It's not that unusual: a lot of people are into assholes. They're dynamic, they seem so much more exciting than those stupid meek nice guys, and since being extremely handsome often encourages assholeness, they often tend to be some of the best-looking guys. Plus, when one person in a relationship is being the aggressor, it's very easy to slip into the submissive role in return. If this is your situation, and it's making you unhappy, bear in mind that it's a lot easier (and healthier) to try and change yourself, than it is to try and change him. Find yourself a nice guy to date. Sure, a lot of them are wishy-washy nerds, but when you find one that's sweet, caring-without-being-dominating, and still handsome, then eventually that guy who seemed so mean and yet so desirable will eventually just seem like some asshole you used to date, and you'll wonder why you ever bothered with him.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Dear Green,

Why won't the Furby you bought for me stop talking and singing?! There is no on or off switch and if I just ignore him, he'll start to feel neglected and possibly die. What can I do?

Annoyed yet concerned for his emotional state of being,
Aurea

Dear Aurea,

You don't have to worry: Furbish culture is very different from that of humans, and removing their batteries, an act which a human might find offensive, is considered thoughtful and relaxing to a Furby. While it is important to allow him time to interact with you and expand his vocabulary, when you feel it's time for him to take a nap, just go ahead and make it happen. He'll thank you for it in the long run.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Do you believe in karma? You know, what goes around comes around?

Signed,
Lisa

Dear Lisa,

No, I do not believe in karma. More than enough good people die penniless and unfulfilled, and more than enough asshole jerkfaces die rich and never receiving their comeuppance for that idea to be anything but bullshit. You should never do a good deed with the expectation that good things will happen to you in return. You should do it because it's the right thing to do.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Who do you think our next President will be?

Signed,
Lisa

Dear Lisa,

I'm not sure what the exact percentages are, but it's a pretty sure bet that I am going to win in a landslide victory as an independent candidate. You'll need to write me in on the ballot, but trust me, it'll be worth it. Within my first six months in office, I plan to hold a contest to rename the country. And the winner gets a fifty dollar gift certificate to TGI Friday's!

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

A friend and I were having a discussion of no real importance the other day and we couldn't come to a conclusion with this issue. Now, I am a firm believer in the phrase you are what you eat. If that's the case, would it be considered inappropriate to refer to a Jewish cop as a pig or any sort of pork by-product?

Thanks for your time (even if you don't respond),
Keith

Dear Keith,

The real question here is not if you are what you eat, but if you are what you're called. Even according to your belief system, the Jewish police officer wouldn't become a pig just by virtue of you declaring him one. It's still not a very nice thing to say to somebody, but I don't think you're magically transforming him into a swine with your statement, so you can put that worry to rest.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

There is so much tension in the office that I work in. Any suggestions on how to fix it?

Signed,
Lisa

Dear Lisa,

If you can't fire the people responsible for the tension, and you've tried being open and frank with everyone in an effort to alleviate the problem, then you're simply going to have to lead by example. Don't put off any bad vibes to any of your co-workers, and don't respond to any of theirs, and eventually others will begin to react in the same way to you. Either that, or they'll be so enraged by your niceness that they'll get even meaner and angrier, and that will just get them fired. Either way, you win.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

How did Edward Scissorhands go to the bathroom?

-Adam.

Dear Adam,

He sat on the toilet, and just aimed very carefully without using his hands at all. Kind of like how a blind person eventually develops his other senses to a heightened degree, a guy born with scissorhands learns to move the rest of his body and handle as many things as possible very meticulously without his hands.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Ask Green Andy,

While I was listening to "Salt and Needle", the left speaker of my laptop stopped and never worked again (in more than a month). Do you think that this event is related with this specific song? Is there an antidote song that could bring back my speaker?

Signed,
Kouvertoura

Dear Kouvertoura,

My official position, for legal reasons, is that "Salt and Needle" had nothing to do with your speaker breakdown. However, I strongly suggest you work your way through the entire Green Andy catalogue, and see if any of them help. "Damage on the Stairs" from my album CHKA CHKAAA once cured a baby's blindness, so maybe it can help your speaker.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

If a tree falls in the forest, and the only person there to hear it is crushed to death because they were standing directly in its path, does anybody really care whether or not it made a sound?

And on a side note, what came first? The chicken, or the Egg McMuffin?

Thanks Buddy,
Adam.

Dear Adam,

1. In that situation, no one would care that the tree made a sound, and the tree certainly would have made a sound, since the dead guy was there to hear it. The only time the sound of a tree falling is a noteworthy event is when there's no one there to hear it, as that situation still holds a lot of appeal for philosophers. The dead guy really screwed everything up.

2. The Egg McMuffin was first developed by the McDonald's Corporation in 1972, whereas the chicken has been around in its domesticated form since at least the 7th Century BCE (its direct ancestor is the Southeast Asian Red Junglefowl), so there's really no doubt that chickens win this particular contest.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Andy,

Why is it that men don't like to cuddle after sex? Why do they just seem to fall asleep or eat right afterward? Go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich! I thought relationships were about give and take. I'm sure most women would like to get a straight answer to those questions.

Signed,
Liby

Dear Liby,

If the guy with whom you're having sex immediately conks out afterwards, or worse, demands that you prepare food for him, then sadly you're just sleeping with a very selfish guy. Personally, I love cozying up with my girlfriend after sex, and I don't think I'm weird in this regard. I strongly recommend training this boyfriend of yours to be a bit more affectionate (and less demanding of sandwiches) in bed. Let him know that cuddling is a necessity to remaining competitive in the boyfriend market, because there's quite a lot of us who are happy to do it if he's not.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Green Andy, why is it that no guys at all seem even interested in talking to me? Should I just give myself more time being REALLY single with nothing or step up my own game?

Signed,
Michele

Dear Michele,

You're a very pretty girl, and a very cool person as well, so there are a couple of possible reasons why you're staying inexplicably single:

1. You may simply be too pretty, and too vivacious, for the local boys to handle. They may all think you're way out of their league, and that any apparent interest on their part is going to be met with laughter by you. They're probably right, but if you disagree, you might just need to take the first step and demonstrate some interest in one of these guys.

2. Are you possibly putting off "single" vibes? While it's not fun to never be asked out, there is definitely a joy to being single and free and in total control of all of your time. Maybe on a subconscious level you feel this way, and boys are picking up on your happily single body language and responding accordingly.

3. Maybe all the boys in your town are stupid jerks who wouldn't know a quality girl if she dropped out of the sky and landed on their heads. You should move.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

After many months of careful decision-making, often involving the help of my family and closest friends. I have finally decided to get a nickname. How does one go about obtaining a nickname? You're the perfect person to answer this, as you answer all questions AND you have a nickname. Help me Green Andy....you're my only hope.

Ed Ack,
Someplace, USA

Dear Ed,

I strongly recommend choosing your own nickname. If you wait for friends and family to do it, you'll either get something slightly derogatory, like "Piss-Stains" or "Earwax", or else it'll be an in-joke that you have to explain to everyone in detail for the rest of your life. Close your eyes, and imagine you just joined a superhero team, and you're one of those badass modern heroes who doesn't simply add "man" to some heroic word and call it quits. Are you Razorclaw? Eliminator? Shakes? Start with that scenario, and the winning name will come to you in no time at all.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Ask Green Andy,

What are the answers to my questions?

Yours Always,
Annika Lei

Dear Annika,

"What are the answers to my questions?" Well, Mrs. Mystery, while I might have the patience to wade through MySpace and figure out to which questions you're referring, the rest of my readers may not have the motive or means, so I'll reprint your questions down below:

1. What is the connection between the bible verse "Neither shall there be any more pain" and ether?
That line is inscribed on the base of the Ether Monument in Boston . Incidentally, have you considered making a donation to the Ether Monument Restoration Fund? Every penny helps!

2. What is sweet oil of vitriol, or oil of sweet vitriol?
It's ether. I'm noticing a bit of a theme here.

3. Why has ether fallen out of favor as a surgical anaesthetic?
It tends to induce vomiting in patients, and it's way too flammable, and flaming vomit has always been considered a major hazard in medical circles.

Best of luck,
Green Andy

__________

....How does the shock proof on CD Discmans work?

Please xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Charlee

Dear Charlee,

CD players that advertise themselves as being shock-proof actually have a small memory to them. When you insert a disc, it saves to its memory the first 60 seconds or so of the audio, and continues to keep the next 60 seconds of audio as you play the disc. When you shake the player and cause the laser to miss the CD, as long as your shaking doesn't last longer than a minute (or whatever amount of buffer your particular player has), then it won't matter, because the player is reading from its own memory, not from the disc. Thus for short bumps and shocks, the player is shock-proof. If you're really dying to hear the thing skip, you'll have to figure out how big the buffer on your player is, then shake it vigorously for a little longer than that.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Hi Green Andy!

I have a good one for you... My BF wants to get a Prince Albert piercing. Does he has to be erect for them to do this? If so, do you recommend him taking a magazine to help in in the process? And finally, is it true that after you get it done, you have to sit down to urinate?

Signed,
Liby

Dear Liby,

Conveniently, you do not have to be erect to get a Prince Albert piercing. The skin in that area is particularly elastic, so it's no problem for them to make the hole exactly where it needs to be made. Your boyfriend can keep the magazines at home. Peeing, on the other hand, is going to be a fucking chore. Because of the newly-made hole, there is greater danger of piss going in the wrong direction, and traveling along the jewelry, and all over your shoes. It's recommended that guys twist their penis slightly when peeing into a urinal so that the hole is not in the direction of gravity, but personally, that seems way too complicated for me. If I was in your boyfriend's shoes, I'd just pee sitting down from now on.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Where can one purchase a time machine that's reliable and trustworthy, but won't break the bank?

Signed,
Michael

Dear Michael,

I hate to burst your bubble, but if you want a time machine that's reliable and gives you the century-hopping power that you need, you're going to have to shell out the big bucks. Time travel is one area in which you do NOT want to buy cheaply.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

I ate a bag of Fiery Habernaro Doritos about 2 hours ago, and my tongue is still burning like hell! I've tried drinking water, putting ice in my mouth, eating celery, drinking milk, brushing my teeth, and using listerine, but nothing has relieved me! What should I do!?!??!

- Adam Young

Dear Adam,

I'm sorry to tell you this, but the power of the Fiery Habanero Doritos is such that no earthly force can remove its burning flavor from the tongues of mortals. I suspect you can still taste them, days after you've asked your question. The skin cells in your tongue do regenerate over time, so it's just a matter of staying alive until that happens. You've got a long road ahead of you.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Can people with an IQ of 144 and above have any fun, or are people just saying that they are too smart to know what fun is?

Katherine

Dear Katherine,

Smart people can totally have fun. That's a very common misconception, particularly in this country, which has always had a bit of an anti-intellectual streak. A growing intellect might mean that you'll begin to lose patience with some activities (though not necessarily), but you'll also begin to appreciate a wider variety of fun stuff, and on a deeper level. “Too smart to know what fun is” is like saying that only people 98 pounds or lighter get anything out of lifting weights, or that you can't really enjoy food unless you eat hot dogs every day.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

What do you think the Exploited were trying to say with their song "Sex and Violence?"

Signed,
Jer

Dear Jer,

Honestly, when a band's lyrics are that poetic and vague, they can mean just about anything. In fact, one might argue that the Exploited left their meaning deliberately mysterious, so that the song could be interpreted by each listener differently. So the real question is: what does "Sex and Violence" mean to you?

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Why does Bea Arthur scorn my love? I was recently asked by her agent to stop calling.

Deadpool

Dear Deadpool,

Try to be a little more sensitive. Bea Arthur has been divorced twice, so it's understandable that she's a bit gun-shy about new relationships. Give her some time to consider your offer before you try calling again. As Diana Ross said, you can't hurry love.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Greenest Andy,

Why do I say "I'm sorry" when a beggar asks me for money, when really I'm not sorry?

-GRRosie

Dear GRRosie,

"I'm sorry" in this context means "I wish I did have some spare change on me at the moment, because I would certainly give it to you, but regretfully I do not." Whether or not that's actually true, or even whether or not you truly have any change on you, you respond in this fashion because you're a polite person who wishes to leave the beggar some dignity, instead of saying "No, why should I give you my money, when I earned it and you didn't?" If we all just said exactly what we thought at all times, we'd be assholes.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Can pilates really make you taller? I read on the back of a book it can.

Dear Jennnnnnnny,

Pilates won't make you shoot up an extra six inches or anything like that, but it does focus on the core postural muscles that provide support for the spine, so theoretically speaking, it improves your posture and grace, allowing you to comfortably stand taller. Therefore, depending on how much you naturally slouched before you began Pilatesizing, you may gain an extra half-inch out of it.

That said, it's not really a good idea to take too seriously what you read on the backs of books. The backs of books function in much the same way as the fronts of magazines: they're there to entice you to buy the book. People who write the promo material for books are fond of screamingly bad hyperbole sometimes, so don't get sucked into their web of half-truths.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

I'm Italian and I seem to walk normally. So I would think Italians walk normally and Chinese people walk upside down, but there are times where I'm convinced of walking upside down. Who the hell is walking upside down? Italians or Chinese? I bet Italians.

Best whishesh,
Faccia di Merda

Dear Faccia,

The problem you're currently facing is one of perception. Because the Earth is so big, compared to us puny humans, our brains think we're walking on a flat surface, even though we know intellectually that we're walking on the outside of a big ball. So the "normal" and "upside down" that you refer to have no meaning in this case: up is always away from the planet's center, and down is towards the planet's center. Hence, both you and China are walking normally.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Why do I still watch wrestling?

- KeVin

Dear Kevin,

You watch wrestling because wrestling is irresistibly compelling drama. What will happen next? Who gets the belt? Who's going to turn evil? Just describing this is making me want to tune in and find out for myself. Don't have any shame about your viewing habits. Wrestling is way more artistically valid than sports, and more fun too. Just bear in mind that wrestling-themed t-shirts are not acceptable wardrobe items for first dates, and you've got nothing to worry about.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Is there such a thing as magick? If so, what is it, and where can it be found?

Signed,
Michael

Dear Michael,

No, there is no such thing as magic. All the most famous examples of magical powers over the years (levitators, people who make elephants disappear, etc.) are actually time travellers from the 89th century. Apparently once the portable Time Kit was marketed to the general public, going back to the past and setting yourself up as a magician or religious leader to the primitive people of the 13th or 10th or 20th century was quite a fad. All we're seeing is 89th century assholes with too much time on their hands wowing us with their household appliances.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Green Andy,

What does one with an overdeveloped left side of his brain do, when he develops further and starts to see the things underwritten in popular media culture. Also, do the japanese have a time machine?

Mike

Dear Michael,

Your daily routine probably isn't going to change much, since even though you're now able to discern the secret agendas of Western Culture, you're still far too much a victim of them to be able to do anything about it. Mostly this will result in self-conversations like "It's so totally obvious that the Hostess Corporation keeps the American people medicated with sugary foodstuffs to ensure we stay hyper and attention-deficient, and fail to notice the atrocities committed around the world in order to safeguard our nation's oil supply and economic supremacy. But still, I've been eating Ho Ho's since I was a kid, and they're just so delicious...there's no point in giving them up now."

Your main goal at this point should be to avoid bragging to people at all hours about the secrets you know behind their every motivation. "Oh, you want to go to a movie tonight, Judy? Is it because Hollywood images of reality compensate for a lack of upward mobility and emotional satisfaction in your own life?" Because eventually someone will probably kick your ass for that.

And the Japanese do not have a time machine. They do have a magic-mirror-like device that allows them to view the past or future with perfect clarity, though.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Andy Green,

If you had a Hummer, and suddenly, you were going 70 and the breaks locked, how would you un lock them, persay, instead of becoming a big, fast, yellow behemoth?

~Nick

Dear Nick,

For starters, I would seriously re-think the wisdom of owning a big yellow Hummer, but assuming I was in the situation as described, I would weave out of the existing traffic (if any) and take my foot off the gas pedal and wait for gravity to do its dirty work. Sure, there's a risk of hitting something in the meantime, but what's the point of owning such an ugly car if you can't take advantage of its relative indestructibility from time to time?

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Is love water-proof?

Lots of h2o,
Faccia di Merda

Dear Faccia,

Actually, it is. You can take two people, have them fall in love with each other, and add all the water you want, and nothing will happen. Well, except that they might drown.

Best of Luck
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

I like to be my girlfriend's sexual toy. Does this mean that i have a particular predisposition to slavery?

Signed,
SuperJunkHead

Dear SuperJunkHead,

It could mean that, or it could mean that you simply have a predisposition to sexual slavery only with this particular woman. You'd have to put on a dog collar and get down on your knees before quite a few females before you could really determine if this is a general preference for you, and I doubt your girlfriend would approve of that kind of testing.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Who would win in a fist-fight, Batman or the Punisher? Keep in mind it's a fair fight, no weapons and no Robin.

Signed,
John

Dear John,

It's pretty clear that Batman would win. They're both very determined and inventive fighters, but the Punisher's skills are mostly military-learned, whereas Batman spent years of his life mastering endless varieties of hand-to-hand combat. It would be a tough fight, but in the end only Batman would be standing. And Robin wouldn't have to do a thing.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Why can I easily download any sort of porn, but I can't even find on the web that '91 Sleep's record? Is it due to the reputation of stoners, which are only considered junkies? Is porn more socially accepted than music? Society sucks.

Best of porn,
Faccia di Merda

Dear Faccia,

The reason is that the porn industry and the music industry work in two different business models. The porn industry has found a way to be profitable while still giving away lots of content for free, whereas the music industry is still very concerned about their customers paying for as much as possible. The real conclusion is probably that the music industry is somewhat old-fashioned when it comes to their online business practices, but if you really want Sleep's Volume One album that badly, it's still for sale on Amazon.com and many other places. Given that Matt Pike is still alive and presumably profiting from sales of those albums, it's probably the right thing for you to do.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Why are you green?? Can i smoke you??

Signed,
SuperJunkHead

Dear SuperJunkHead,

I'm green because green is the color of envy, and I'm full of jealousy and self-loathing. That being said, I'm sure if you dried me out and lit me on fire, I could be smoked pretty effectively.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

How does an artist decide on album art? should it representitive of an artist's message and theme?

Signed,
The Great Leap Forward

Dear Great Leap Forward,

Assuming that you've already finished the music for this album, I recommend you decide as a group if the collected songs have a theme to them, or at least a common direction. If they do, pick a name that conveys whatever that theme/direction is, and once you've got that, thinking of an album cover that matches it should be fairly easy. If there is no commonality to the songs, aside from the fact that they're all by you, then just find an interesting photograph and a funny word, and let it go at that.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Why am I so boring? And why doesn't anyone tell me?

Signed,
Faccia di Merda

Dear Faccia,

If no one tells you you're boring, then maybe you aren't. If the only person you're boring to is yourself, that should be easy enough to fix. Find some things that interest you, and do those instead of whatever it is you're currently doing.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Is there any hidden meaning in the fact that GOD is DOG backward?

Tasty luck,
Faccia di Merda

Dear Faccia,

No. When words are four letters long or less, there's a much greater chance of coincidences or synchronicities like that. The word dog came from the Old English term "docga", which means "a powerful breed of canine", and the word god derives from the Proto Germanic word "gudan", which means "to call or invoke".

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Do you think this looks like me? lol ;)

Dear Christi,

It does look a lot like you, except I've never met you in person, so I couldn't say if you really are missing a nose, or are that flat-chested, or if your legs are quite that squat. I rather hope not.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Dear Green Andy,

I was reading a Rolling Stone the other day and happened to notice that one of the writers was named Andy Greene, is this you? Are you really some famed journalist that is Andy Greene by day, and Green Andy by night?? If you'd rather not share, it's understandable. Let it be known though, that your secret is safe with me!

Signed,
Brianne

Dear Brianne,

If your definition of "your secret is safe with me" is "I'm going to discuss the matter with you publicly on your MySpace profile", it doesn't give me a whole lot of confidence in your discretion. But that's beside the point anyway, since I am not in fact a journalist for Rolling Stone Magazine. However, there is a slight possibility that I am former Royal Air Force Wing Commander Andy Green , the first man to break the sound barrier on land. But I can't say for certain.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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If you could be any proton in the universe, what atom would you live in?

Brandy

Dear Brandy,

I've been accused of being a bit obsessive-compulsive in my day, but when you start getting selective about your favorite atom, let alone which proton you'd like to be in that atom, it's definitely time to take a step back and relax. Maybe a nice vacation is in order? Try to avoid the beach, though. The quintillions of grains of sand might raise too many questions for you in your current state.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Hello Greenest Dearest.

How high is the chance to get eaten by zombies if you stop by an abandoned gas station in the middle of the desert to pee? Also, will the chances increase if the gas station is near area 51? Thanks for your help.

Signed,
Kat

Dear Kat,

I hate to scare you, but abandoned gas stations are absolutely crawling with zombies. PARTICULARLY the restrooms, since that's where the average visitor is most likely to be caught off-guard. If you recently peed at a derelict gas station and didn't die horribly from a zombie attack, consider yourself extremely lucky.

On the bright side, your chances of violent death don't actually get any worse the closer you get to Area 51. Aliens and zombies, despite the rumors, don't really mix all that much.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Dearest Green Andy,

How did you become so Green? Was it envy? Was it Leprachauns? Was it excessive St. Patrick's Day celebrating? Did you roll around in some grass and then realize you had green grass stains on your knees? Fill me in.

-Curious Kelin

Dear Curious Kelin,

Actually, the green was originally for camouflage purposes, but considering I'm almost never in a wooded area, that's turned out to be a pretty bad idea. But I printed up so much stationary and tattooed the name on my chest, so I can't give it up now.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Green Andy,

Today, I was watching my copies of Da Ali G Show and it got me to wondering...IS THERE something in ecstasy that makes you dance like a prick? I don't think this question was really fully answered. Can you help me out on this one?

Jer

Dear Jer,

Ali G's speculation was actually more or less correct, since Ectasy (or Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, as it's properly known) has the effect on humans of stimulating the production of serotonin, which causes a strong sense of openness, euphoria and well-being. And when you feel like that, you're highly likely to dance like a prick.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

If America really loves soldiers and vets, then why won't anyone hire me??

Signed,
John

Dear John,

Hiring isn't about love; it's about finding the best-qualified candidate for the job. Unless you have evidence to the effect that your potential employers are specifically not choosing you because of your veteran status, I'd recommend brushing up on your interview technique.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy.

Why do woman tend to get more, more, more of everything they can get, but can´t get enough to become REALLY satisfied with their situation?

Signed,
Chris

Dear Chris,

That's not a female thing; that's a human thing. Believe me, women say the same thing about us. We all do it because we all compare our lives to those of millionaires and become jealous, rather than comparing our lives to those of homeless people and remembering how lucky we are.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

__________

Dear Green Andy,

Why does letters and numbers make me moist?

-Jaypod

Dear Jaypod,

My guess would be that you suffer from a fetish called numerophilia, which is sexual attraction to numbers, although perhaps "suffer" isn't the correct term. I suppose the definition can be expanded enough for you to also derive sexual gratification from letters as well. Sexual fetishes are nothing to be ashamed of. They give our girlfriends great ideas for our birthday gifts. The album whose cover you were drooling over can be purchased at GreenAndy.com , but I recommend buying two copies in case you accidentally...soil one of them.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy

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Dear Green Andy,

What's the name of that movie....you know the one, it had that guy that was in that show back in the 90's?

Signed,
John

Dear John,

The movie you're clearly thinking of is Walk Like a Man , starring Howie Mandel as a boy raised by wolves. I agree, it's a comedy classic.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy
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Here's a question for you Green Andy,

Should I get a nose ring? And just to clarify, I mean a stud. I like to keep it simple. What do you think?

Signed,
Natalie Fabulous

Dear Natalie Fabulous,

On a number of levels, I recommend against the nose-stud. While I'm not a big fan of piercings in general, nose-piercings in particular seem like a problem since I'd imagine the backside of it must get covered in stuff best left unmentioned, plus having a piece of jewelry in that spot must interfere with the natural act of scratching/wiping one's nose. In addition, face jewelry always conveys the unspoken message of "I'm far too dull to face the world without some props to distract people", and we all know you don't need anything of the sort, so why mess with people's minds and make them think you're less amazing than you are?

Best of Luck,
Green Andy
__________

Dear Green Andy,

Is a female sending the wrong message about herself when she posts graphic videos like this in a public forum?

[And then he attached a video of some teenager dressed like a tart.]

Signed,
Ed

Dear Ed,

It depends on what message she intended, I suppose. It's possible she's putting out exactly the message she wants to. Whether or not you think that's appropriate is another matter.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy
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Dear Green Andy,

Why is your closet so small?

Signed,
Nanda

Dear Nanda,

My closet isn't small. It's just extremely full of stuff because I'm very interested in maintaining an uncluttered apartment.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy
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How do strong guys always have a weakness? Like Vin Diesel. They make him look all cool, play heavy metal songs like "Bodies" and like "Feur Fruei!". And then he has this lisp and I'm all like... Wha??? Strong action dudes with lisps? Ha??

Signed,
If You Can't Keep Your Face On...

Dear If You Can't Keep Your Face On,

You'd have to give me more than one example to suggest that strong guys “always” have a weakness. And furthermore, don't you think you're being a bit unfair in suggesting that a lisp is a weakness? It's just an affectation. Really, I think it makes him more interesting than a simple monotone growl, or whatever voice you were hoping Vin Diesel would speak in. I'm sure his ass-kicking isn't affected by it.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy
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Okay, one more question and I'll leave you be for a minute. Why is it I find Irish women some delishiously exotic? I can't quite put my finger on it...I dated this Irish girl a while back, it didn't work out but...You know...so yeah, why is that?

Signed,
Deadpool

Dear Deadpool,

It's because when you were younger, you avidly watched HEAD OF THE CLASS every day after school, and you were captivated by the shy but gorgeous redhead Simone, played by Khrystyne Haje. What you didn't realize is that Ms. Haje isn't Irish at all, but rather half-Lebanese, half-Czech. I hope that doesn't destroy your Ire-o-philia.

Best of Luck,
Green Andy
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Dear Green Andy,

Are those dirty ear swabs (I mean, why assume they are Q-Tips?)?

I presume you're referring to the cover of the Andee E.P., and you identified the picture correctly, but why assume that they're ear swabs? I'm sure the Unilever Corporation, makers of Q-Tips and many other fine products, would hasten to remind you that cotton swabs have a veritable houseful of uses, from makeup applicator to household cleaner, disposable paintbrush, or even for use in first aid. In fact, I recommend you visit www.qtips.com for more helpful hints.

I would guess it's because you're worried too much about what other people are doing. Now you're a police officer (the ultimate police officer, in fact), so it's good that you're watching the crowd, but it's not very mature to let other people's lifestyle choices affect you like that. Emo is one of those things, like hip-hop or goth, that tends to affect someone's entire worldview. They start liking the music, then they change their clothes, the way they talk, and so on. Yeah, for some people it's probably just a fad they'll grow out of, and surely there's some clique-ish emos out there, but people follow lots of fads, and there's cliques everywhere. Unless some group of emo children is specifically targeting you for abuse, I'd recommend you view it like any other fashion genre: you're not into it personally, but what other people do isn't your problem. Try to relate to people as individuals, rather than as "emo kids", and I think you'll find yourself a lot less pissed.

Given that they're available at most corner stores for about $1.50 apiece, and in grocery stores for considerably less, I wouldn't do much. I think the people clucking like chickens and otherwise making asses of themselves in television commercials need to consider their options more carefully next time.

Everyone sucks because we've all got our priorities and goals, and generally each person's priorities aren't compatible with everyone else's. So you get in the car and hit the freeway, and your main priority is to get where you're going in a hurry, and the person in front of you has a shitty car, so their main priority is taking it nice and slow, and you're thinking "Drive faster! Why does everyone suck so bad?!?" and she's thinking "Stop tailgating me!! Why does everyone suck so bad?!?"

Long story short, everyone sucks because nobody pays attention to any perspective but their own. When you start looking at things from other points of view, the world gets a lot better.

Most guys are assholes because they're raised to be assholes, and they're sent into a society that praises assholism in a million subtle ways. All men are puppets, dancing on the strings of centuries of behavioral conditioning that leads them to think of everything else in the world (including women) as their toilet. Everything in life is there for them to piss on and walk away from. And unfortunately, there's also many centuries of conditioning to lead women to accept this dynamic. It's a sad world in that respect. I recommend not playing along with it as much as possible.

Thus far, there's been no survival value in a fifth leg for elephants. One of their assorted advantages in life is the relatively (for their size) fast running speed they can work up when they need to, and an asymmetrical fifth leg stuck in there would really fuck things up for them. If there's ever a situation in which a fifth leg becomes advantageous (if, for example, they become cave dwellers for whatever reason, and it speeds them along by having one leg on their back to bounce off the cave ceiling as they run), then evolution may eventually favor a five-legged elephant. Evolution works very slowly though, so I wouldn't expect to see this happen for at least a few million years.

Andy, how does one deal with society when people continually associate him with the devil just because his birthday this year lies on 6-6-06 and he drank the blood of his unborn child? All he wants to do is fit in.

It would be a long, uphill struggle to erase the "666" association from people's minds, so your best bet is simply to disassociate yourself from it. Change your birthday to some other date (possibly sometime in July), and then tell everyone that's someone else's unborn baby's blood that you're drinking.

Before you answer my question, please keep in mind that I'm working a bachelorette party for Hasidic Jewish Midget Women (HJMW) tonight.

What color underwear (if any) should I wear today? Do you think the HJMW will have any preference? Will I get tipped more for one color than another? Is freeballing the way to go?

Well, it appears I'm a bit late on this one, as your engagement was last night. But for future reference, the rule of the on-call stripper is: unless the client specifies in advance, you have to assume they want the standard uniform. So get yourself a red leather thong and make that your default undergarment from now on.

Is there any official Green Andy blessings that you could place upon whichever house it is we end up closing on this week? Or do I need to set up a shrine or something?

I wouldn't worry about it. For some time now, you've been the recipient of a Generalized Green Andy Blessing, which centers around you, not your house. But it should affect everything and everyone you come into contact with. So your children will grow up to be superhumans, your wife can catch bullets with her teeth, and any home you buy will be an indestructible fortress which will remain inviolate even if the Earth itself explodes. You're pretty well taken care of.

I'm not always right. I was cursed by an angry sorceress many years ago, and she decreed that I would forever be correct when helping others, but forever mistaken when deciding for myself. So for every piece of good advice I give, I'm also walking in front of buses and asking out lesbians and buying computer parts that I don't need. There's a mystical amulet in a cave at the top of a mountain somewhere that I need to destroy to break the curse, but I haven't had the time.

Who ever told you that you couldn't be? Green Andy franchises are available now, and I don't believe we have a G.A. in Massachusetts yet. Just mail in $129.74 and four proofs of purchase from Green Andy albums, and we'll ship your Green Andy Starter Kit ASAP. You should receive it in four to six weeks.

Why is it when some people make music, I fail to hear audible tones which resonate together to make chords? And even though I appreciate it, I cannot understand it?

Question #1 Why is it more socially acceptable to admit a belief in UFO's and extraterrestrials but not ghosts and hauntings?

1. I'm going to presume for the purposes of this discussion that when you say "belief in UFO's and extraterrestrials" that you simply mean an acknowledgement that alien life exists, and not necessarily that we're being secretly visited on a regular basis by it. If you do mean the latter, then I don't really think there is much difference, in terms of social acceptability, between that and belief in ghosts/hauntings.

Anyway, the reason why aliens get a bit more leeway than ghosts is likely because most scientists will agree that life elsewhere in the universe is fairly inevitable, even if we're not currently (or will ever be) in a position to encounter it. Conversely, not only have ghosts been thoroughly discredited by current scientific thinking, they've also been disavowed by most major religions, at least as a day-to-day phenomenon. So talking about aliens makes you a bit of an eccentric. But talking about ghosts just makes you naive.

2. I'm not at all convinced by any speculations about ghosts or hauntings. If there is existence after death, I've seen no compelling evidence that suggests it's detectable to us living folk. As for aliens, I'm convinced that the popular view is basically correct; it's highly likely that there's a small percentage of life-bearing planets throughout the universe. But I don't know of any convincing evidence that they've shown up here at all.

Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? It's been bothering me for some time now.

The benefactor of the ram in our nation's rama lama ding dong has been a mystery for a lot longer than I've been an advice columnist, and in fact it's caused several columnists to resign in disgrace. But I can say that it's almost certainly the same man who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop, and possibly also the dip in the dip da dip da dip. You're not alone in wanting to find him, as many over the years have expressed interest in wanting to shake his hand, as he reportedly made their babies fall in love with them.

Anyway, bottom line, it's a modern day mystery. And I think we're all better off not knowing.

My pimp is demanding money that I don't have, and all my clients are... 'dead'. What should I do?

I hate to hit you while you're down, but I must say it's very bad in a job sense for you in your industry to have so many broke customers. Any semi-experienced rent boy should know to keep a few sugar daddies on hand, in case of emergencies just like this one. With that said, you do have a few options available to you:

1. Hustle for new customers. You need to pick a territory your pimp isn't watching, and peddle your ass like it's on fire. Your situation isn't really so different from that of hundreds of freelancers in this city, and this is their solution every time the rent check is due.

2. If you don't think you have the time or wherewithal to expand your client base, consider selling your pimp on other services. Does he need a hitman? Chef? Quilter? Pimps are vicious and prone to violence, but they're also adept businessmen, and surely he'd rather have you healthy and productive on his behalf instead of bloodied and worthless. Try to think outside the box a bit.

3. If all else fails, make an anonymous phone call to the police and get your pimp's ass in jail. He won't stay there long...three nights at best. But it'll give you time to get out of the state.

I am sitting here watching I Love the 80's and I was just wondering, do you think Emmanuel Lewis will ever make a comeback? And if he does, will he ever be as big as he was as Webster? (No midget jokes intended.)

As I'm sure you know, Emmanuel Lewis has never really gone away. He's made a name for himself in the industry as a respected producer/director, and maintains a huge fanbase in Japan thanks to his Number 1 hit single 'City Connection' and while he'll always have a great love for his fans from his Webster days, he's moved on to bigger and better things.

To me there doesn't seem any doubt that Robocop would win in a fight with the Terminator: they're both pretty evenly matched in terms of fighting style and firepower, and while the Terminator is a bit more maneuverable than the sometimes-clunky Robocop, it's been well-demonstrated that the Terminator is eventually defeated by the indomitable human spirit, which is exactly what Robocop uses to triumph each time. After all, what is the Terminator fighting for? He's just a cog in a planetary network of evil robots. Robocop fights for us all.

It's time I stopped lying to myself…yes. I'm madly in love with you. I can't deny these feelings anymore. Come on Nicole, I know we can make things work between us. Give me a chance.

There are basically two types of salesmanship, and as a result I'd imagine there are two types of sell-outsmanship as well. The first one is “I will do or say or make whatever it takes to get your money.” The second is “I will convince you to buy what I'm selling.” It seems to me that you're concentrating a bit too much on Method 2, and it's not working out for you. Why not quiz your potential customers? Ask them “What changes could I make to get you to like me, and more importantly, to get you to pay for my services? Should I go blonde? Sing smooth R&B? Get down on my knees and suck your dick?” You'll get valuable info from these questions, and be able to plan your future sell-out attempts accordingly.

I hate to be the one to break this to you, but pretty much everyone in America knows about the hideous rash on your genitals.

No. That's just something poor people tell themselves to ward off depression. You need a better paying job as soon as possible.

Have you considered the possibility that the boys in Ohio don't suck, but are simply average boys, and that you're an extremely above-average girl? Under the circumstances, I'm sure they seem excessively disappointing in your eyes, but you can't blame them for that. How could they have known that a marvel like you would exist in their midst, and that they'd need to get their act together so quickly? Take pity on them, and bide your time until you can move.

Is there any way a man can earn his dignity back after dancing awkwardly at a house party?

That's a pretty tough one. The only way to recover from that kind of dignity loss as far as I can see, is to perform some drastic public service, like save the mayor's life or bring back live peep shows on 8th Avenue. Barring that, you can always take it in the other direction and sink so low that people fondly remember the time when your worst offense was simply dancing like a jackass at a house party. For this route, I recommend exposing yourself to old men at a rest home somewhere while there's a news crew nearby.

If you absolutely have to choose one or the other, then I would have to say go with the Ramen, since at the very least it has a few more cooking options available to it. With that said, there might be a third solution to maximize your variety: a half-year supply of both!

Say there was this advice columnist whose name certainly wasn't Green Andy. Say you wanted to hunt him down, knock him out, cement his feet, and let him sleep with the fishies. How would you go about doing it?

Sounds to me like the only non-straightforward part of your plan is hunting him down, since knocking him out, cementing his feet, and letting him sleep with the fishes will pretty much go as described. I recommend befriending the person to gather personal info, then making a weekend of it. Knock on his door, ambush him before he has a chance to realize who you are, then it's bye bye advice columnist.

I got this really negative feeling from this guy who I thought liked me yesterday. It was like...a bad vibe. What should I do?

A bad vibe, eh? You didn't give me a lot of specifics here, so I'm going to offer a couple of possibilities:

1. The bad vibe is because you're so in love that you're paranoid, so anything he does or says that doesn't immediately translate as 'You're making progress, Jenny...soon I will be yours!' causes you to panic. If that's the case, just calm down.
2. Life is complicated. People are in bad moods. They occasionally get irritated at people even when they really like them overall. They have toothaches and don't feel like telling anyone. One negative feeling may not be a big deal. If you get a sustained bad feeling from him, over the next few times you're in contact with him, THEN maybe it's time to worry.
3. Maybe he heard you talking shit about him to someone. What? You didn't do that? Then he may be pissed over nothing at all. If things seem drastic, just cut through the bullshit and ask. Better to be a paranoid idiot than an overly cautious person with the love of her life pissed at her.
4. Maybe he's a moody bastard, and this is a good red flag for what a relationship with him would be like. I hope it's not this one, because that would be depressing. I hope for your sake it turns out to be one of the other three.