All lyrics by Green Andy, sadly.

BIG BAD BOOK

You can track your errors
In this little book I wrote

It's all about you
And your various mistakes

Someday I'll publish it
I'll tell the world about your goofs

You spilled soup in your lap
It's in chapter 22

You can see where you went wrong
It's in this little book I wrote


BIG INTUITION

I’ve got a big intuition you’re a better sister than me
I’ve got a big intuition that I just burned the dinner and we’re
Gonna have to go out to eat
I’ve got a big intuition that this CD’s a pirate
And I think that if you try it you’ll get us both arrested
Got a big intuition that you’re a better sister than me


DAISIES IN MY HEAD

You left me for dead
Now I got daisies in my head
I can't hear, that's what I said
‘Cause I got daisies in my head

Don't remember the bad times
Just curl in a ball around the good times

Now I got daisies in my head
Beautiful daisies in my head
I don't even remember
That you left me for dead
‘Cause I got daisies in my head


DAMAGE ON THE STAIRS

Damage on the stairs
Is like damage in the brain
But it's really not the same
Because one's a stair
And one makes you stare

One can be fixed
And one leaves you sitting in a chair
Wondering how you got there

But both will get you flowers
And both will get you smiles
But only with stairs
Will people stay for a while

Damage on the stairs
Is like damage in the brain
Either way you can't go home again
Either way you're stuck outside again
Either way it's just not as good as it used to be


DISGUSTED WITH YOU

I am disgusted with you, you’re disgusted with me
We’re disgusting; how can we even sleep?
I am disgusted with everything that you are
Things that you’re disgusted with, everything I fall behind

I am disgusted with all of your family
And you think my family is disgusting too
I am disgusted with the clothes you wear
And you think that the clothes that I wear are too disgusting to be true

I am disgusted with myself for being disgusted with you
Who’s disgusted with yourself for being disgusted with me
And I’m disgusted with you


DON’T LOOK UP, DON’T LOOK DOWN

Don’t look up
Don’t look down
Just stay in your hole and die


THE EDITOR

I left him standing on the edge of the dock
No punchline, no self-defense
He had everything he needed, as long as he didn’t need a goddamn thing
I was on a tight schedule, so I put on a smaller hat
And waited for the evening rush hour to swing into full effect
Miles, endless miles of pennies in a fountain
A parade of Lincolns just hoping to keep their heads up
And then there was me, green and showing it
Not happy to be there, but happy to be anywhere at all
What would they say if they knew I knew their number?
That I’d been to their empty nests, and I saw the phone bill?
Probably nothing. These marks are used to impropriety
Makes me wonder what’s left to be shocked about.
As far as I’m concerned, shock left town about five years ago
And he didn’t bother to pack his bags.
This is our time, the suckers always say.
They’ve been through the limelight, through the nosedive, through the prickly bushes of the surly old neighbor’s backyard.
And when I tell them they weren’t supposed to be back there anyway, they look at me like I’m the crazy one.
Well I’m not crazy. My ducks may not all be in a row, but my elevator stops on the thirteenth floor.
It doesn’t take much to make a tiger go from stripes to spots these days.
Hell, most people will take your suggestions like yesterday’s lottery numbers.
All they want to know is if they come out on top.
But if you want to know who’s winning, take a good look in the mirror.
That’s about the only player you can disqualify. Everyone else can fend for themselves.


EVERYBODY’S PHONE

It started out like any other phone
When I disconnected I was alone
But it grew and it grew
Now my phone call is never through

The whole world talks through my receiver
The woman said they would, I didn't believe her
Is it a curse?
Or is everyone else's phone much worse?

Now I'm never alone
I'm on everybody's phone


FULL IN CAN

Full in the can, I’m full in the can
I’ve got my problems, but it’s okay
I’m full in the can, full in the can
I don’t need a helping hand
I’m full in the can, full in the can


GRASP IN AN INSTANT

I had read the wrong instructions
And I tried to follow orders
Even though they didn't make sense
And it didn't really look like much
But why should I be blamed for someone
Never printing pictures
On the covers of the manuals
Of products that they sell

And don't you think I'd notice
If directions for a toaster
Were applied to a computer
The results were shock and awe
Maybe now I'll write a letter
And attempt to get a refund
Since my bread is still untoasted
And my email is unread


IF I HAD A PARK

If I had a park, it wouldn’t amuse anybody
It wouldn’t be a party
It would make you stop and think

If I owned a baseball team, they’d do more than just play a game
They’d do something worthy of their name
And they’d be called the Kings

If I owned the planet, I wouldn’t be a tyrant
Well, maybe I’d be a tyrant
But who wouldn’t, if they could?


I THINK IT’S TIME

Some people think that it’s space
But I think it’s time


IT GLOWS

I shave, I sweep, I shovel the snow
If it falls or grows in, then out I will throw
What’s my reward? I really don’t know
My streets are so clean, so clean that they glow

Not to be narcissistic but it’s so terrific
It glows


LANGUAGE WAS WEAK

I have feelings, thoughts in my head
Words can’t express them, so they’re left unsaid
I resorted to guttural moans
I copied from horses, but some were my own
Because the language was weak


LAUGHTERTRON

I get my laughter from a machine
It’s much more efficient, environmentally clean
All of you have to rely on jokes
I haven’t done that for 10 weeks
And I’m never looking back, no
From a machine

I don’t regret it no no
I get my laughter from a machine
It’s so environmentally clean
No byproducts, no wasteful emissions
And I never have to wait for intermission

My joke machine tells me what I need
And when I get sick I just turn it off
I’m not being mean
It don’t care, it exists to please
It never tells bad jokes intended to tease

I love my joke machine
My joke machine means everything to me
I wouldn’t trade it for truckloads of tea
I need it now, I needed it then
You can tell me what, but I’ll tell you when

I want a joke and I want it now
I don’t care who says it, maybe I care how
My joke machine don’t need to be plugged in
It only runs on batteries
I love my joke machine


LEG BEAUTY

Leg beauty
Can’t blame a guy for trying
Will I ever?
Leg beauty
Probably never


LONELY THIEVES

Lonely thieves can't fill the hole
Lonely thieves they stole and stole
Lonely thieves they rule us all
Lonely thieves their tears do fall

Lonely thieves they make us run
Lonely thieves they have no fun
Lonely thieves just look around
Lonely thieves cannot be found

Lonely thieves just steal and steal
Lonely thieves they cannot feel
Lonely thieves they have no fun
Lonely thieves they've got no one


MARRY MY STUFF

No I'm not gonna marry my stuff
I said I'm not gonna marry my stuff
No I haven't had it all but I have had enough
I said I'm not gonna marry my stuff

Been collecting thirty years, got a lot to show for it
Got piles and piles of stuff, takes a long time to go through it
I've given some away, thrown some more in the trash
Traded some for new collections, given more up for cash

No I'm not gonna marry my stuff
I said I'm not gonna marry my stuff
No I haven't had it all but I have had enough
I said I'm not gonna marry my stuff

Baseball cards and small toy cars and action figures, small and bigger
Records tapes and compact discs and Japanese toy detritus
Broken music instruments and comic books and Legos since
I've been a boy and as an adult books as much as I can handle
Souvenirs from favorite bands and movies that I think are grand
Toys of all kinds, clothing too, but I can handle it all, can you?
And as I grow there'll be lots more as long as I've got room to store
But when disaster makes things rough I'm happy to lose all my stuff.

No I'm not gonna marry my stuff
I said I'm not gonna marry my stuff
No I haven't had it all but I have had enough
I said I'm not gonna marry my stuff


MY HEAD IS VOICE

When I saw you walking
I had no choice
Look at me now
My head is voice


NAME GUN

Now you’re Gerald
Now you’re Michael
Now you’re Ronald
Now you’re Thomas

Whatever you were
This is what you are
Whoever you’ve been
This is who you is

Now you’re Axel
Now you’re Mitchell
Were you Gregory?
Now you’re Richard

Now Mohammed
Now Nathaniel
Now Sebastian
Now Fernando

However many times that I shoot
Your identity reboots

Now Bill
Now Jeff
Now Paul
Now Lester
Now you’re Lawrence
Now Perry
Now Len
Now Maximilian

Do you know who you are?
I know who you’ll be


NO PROBLEMO

No money, no problemo
No girlfriend, no problemo
No car, no problemo
No place to go, no problemo
No plans, no problemo
No religion, no problemo
No cat, no problemo
No chance, no problemo
No vacation, no problemo
No contract, no problemo
No telephone, no problemo
No heartbreak, no problemo
No nothing, no problemo


SILVER PLATED PEDESTAL

I've been sitting at the bottom
Of a silver plated pedestal
And keeping up my patience
But nobody's ever gonna let me try

I bought my tickets thirty years ago
And now the riding is shutting down
But still I'm sitting patiently
Though no one's ever gonna let me try

I did the groundwork on my lonesome
Paid the money straight from pocket
And I hate to be a whiner
But it seems like I won't ever get to try

I traded CDs tapes and compliments
With people I don't even like
But even though I rule that roost
It seems I still won't ever get to try

There's really nothing more that I can do
I've sold my soul to them and you
To nobody have I been true
But you still never seem to let me try

On the streets they're giving it away
Tomorrow's worse than this today
Kids and housewives just won't pay
And now I'll never get the chance to try

My melancholy keeps shut in
I know that whiners never win
But why am I out when they're all in
Nobody's ever gonna let me try


STUFFER

I want to do it but you never let me try


TEMPLE OF LOVE

Vitamin enhanced isn’t enough for me
I want more vitamins than food for my belly
Enrich my C with a B and a D and maybe
Then I’ll have the body I’ve always dreamed of having

I want quads on my pecs and delts on my lats
I want my shirt to rip when I sit, just like my pants
I want more muscles than you, want more than everyone
I’ll keep medicating myself until it’s done

My vision’s blurry and everything looks blue
I chased a health shake with a supplement or two or maybe
Three or more injections at the top of the hour
Steroids have a minty taste but adrenal glands taste sour

Am I awesome yet, how much further can I go
What else can I buy to enhance me, I really want to know
It’s just taking nature’s handiwork and giving it a boost
I’m 300 pounds of muscle now, I’ve got nothing to lose

When I’m 32 I suspect that I’ll regret this
All the shit I’m injecting, eventually my body will reject it
But that’s years away for now it’s no pain no gain
Do you have an aspirin? All these growth hormones are giving me a migraine


WHEN I SWAGGER, I AM MONSTROUS

When I swagger, I am monstrous
I can’t even make out the details
When I swagger, I am monstrous
I am $19.97 suggested retail
When I swagger, I am monstrous
I make all the ladies swoon
When I swagger, I am monstrous
If I never swagger again, it’ll be too soon

Baby don’t worry
Baby it don’t matter
Because everything gets monstrous
When I swagger

When I swagger, I am monstrous
I amaze myself sometimes
When I swagger, I am monstrous
I am always on the front lines
When I swagger, I am monstrous
People never forget I’m there
When I swagger, I am monstrous
I swagger to make them care

Baby don’t worry
Baby it’s looked after
And it’s all gonna get monstrous
When I swagger


WHIP GOAT GIRL

I’d like to give Goat Girl the chance to respond
To expound on the platform I know she is on
But if push comes to shove and the goat’s at the door
Then the whip will come out and you know what it’s for

Whip Goat Girl
Whip Goat Girl
Whip Goat Girl
Make her step back or the whip you will crack

When Goat Girl’s got problems with life as it is
She won’t change her opinion to sync up with his
And it would be a compliment, would be a boon
If her teeth weren’t so sharp and her gaze meant my doom

Whip Goat Girl
Whip Goat Girl
Whip Goat Girl
Make her step back or the whip you will crack

I’m thought of as cruel for my problem solution
For failing to think of a love resolution
I’m told to consider Goat Girl’s tender age
But they won’t volunteer to join her in her cage

I don’t think they understand: Goat Girl’s a menace
She looks like an angel; you love her but then it’s
A wonder you’re breathing; a wonder you live
You’ve received all the fury Goat Girl’s got to give

Whip Goat Girl
Whip Goat Girl
Whip Goat Girl
Make her step back or the whip you will crack


WHOLESALE

Don't pay another cent
Don't worry where the money went
I can help you cheaply look like a gent

Come pay wholesale

Not free, but the next best thing
Come on and have a shopping fling
We'll wrap your packages up with string

Come pay wholesale

The saving's up and the prices are low
Come shop where all the shoppers go
It's a store that's good to know

Come pay wholesale